In the habit of hurting

I'm not in the habit of hurting people. Like it's not something I do. Or want to do. Or intentionally do. But I do.

I think we all do, some more intentionally than others. But I seem to be hurting people a lot lately. Which kind of makes it feel like a habit. A horrible habit, I kind of habit I hate about myself. 

As a human race it is not in our law to be cruel. We hurt people but not out of cruelty, but when feelings are involved especially in love it ends in one of two ways; love (obviously), or war. What I'm beginning to realise though is that I have previously looked at people who have been the heartbreaker as strong and worldly, they don't care. I was wrong, I (upsettingly) continue to be wrong, because these people have taken a little bit of this hurt and buried it, they don't face it, they are strong because it has made them strong. No one admits the heartache only the wisdom it has given them. 

I don't feel too strong right now, I'm feeling that break, a lot of that break.

Because I've hurt, and in doing so have (apparently) done the right thing. I have no idea what to do with this pain because previously I have run away, in a way that I have never actually had to deal with emotional heartbreak head on. In the game of emotional chicken I have lost, facing the car head on I've never been the last one standing. How about that, at 23, I've been hit but never stayed to find out the damage. I've been the driver I've dealt with it by looking in the rear view.

Turns out hurting people becomes a right of growing up. 

You take the hit because you can't break a heart with one hand and hold it together with the other. 

You can't push someone and be there to catch them when you're falling too.  

Who knew.

Beautiful

I'm a thinker. I'm a dreamer. I want everything now, miss out the middle man and just be, most of the time I don't want to put the work in, I want it all and I want it yesterday. How familiar does that thought process sound? I think it's reminiscent of so many people I know, I love people with ambition and drive, to do, see and be, but so few of us actually go, act and live.

I watched 'The Secret Life of Walter Mitty', I watched it at the cinema and I watched it the other night and I'll be damned if I don't watch it another few times before this month is through. It is so prominent and honest, exaggerated and crazy, but there is this one line, and it gets me, grabs me holds me tight and gives my heart a little caress- 'beautiful things don't ask for attention'... and I have asked for a lot of attention.  I wonder if James Thurber when writing this quote thought of the impact this would have on someone’s life. Now I genuinely stop to think, beautiful things can be all aware of their beauty or completely independent to its existence yet so rarely are you asked to clarify the beauty exists. I believe everyone has that possibility but so many people and things now seek validation in life, so much so that any beauty is quickly lost or hidden for fear someone may question or object to its being.

I know all too well that these may just  be the ramblings of a nothing twenty something year old, or at least that is was the media has told me I am, because if I'm not getting 10,000 views a day or going viral then really who am I to comment(?). But it is lines like that, when they grab you and make you listen and you feel that little flutter, like something inside you just wakened because it resonated back, it spoke to some part and that part screamed "exactly!", that you can start to use it. Because I have found lately that I have seen things (an article, a picture, gossip, another person’s achievement), I have tried to be things (yogi, chef, bi-lingual extraordinaire) that I almost feel if I can have them validated they will become part of me to help define who I am to everyone else. Yet as a person I don't need that, I shouldn't need another person’s approval to feel worthy and yet so often I do, but if you are that thing you’re trying to validate, that's it. End of. Just be.

Life is a statement, not a question.

So I'm trying to look at things now without justification of their beauty, including the mirror, including my ambitions and dreams. To have a life that is beautiful it needs only the validation of its creator and it's a process that could take to the very last breath. You’ve got to go, act and live, because life is already happening whether you’re in it or not.

Sweet Dreams are made of this...

Where am I? Where’s the door? How’d I get here? Come on we’ve all been there, no you haven’t just woken up in a strangers bedroom after one of those ‘I’ll only have one… oh look where did that second bottle come from and why is it empty’ nights, no, you’ve just woken up from a really vivid dream. You know the ones where you wake up believing you’re in your childhood bedroom, you’re seven again and momentarily all you want is sugar and your favourite teddy bear… just me? I digress.

This has been happening to me a lot lately (the vivid dreams that is, not so much the sugar and teddy bear part), maybe it’s the weather that’s been transforming my room into an unwanted mid-slumber sauna or maybe it’s the funky smelling cheese I called supper the other night, who knows!? But I have a sneaking suspicion it may be all the wild and inspiring thoughts that have been lacing, neigh laying rampage to my thoughts recently, quashing and dampening the self-loathing negative thoughts of late to one side and rendering them ever so more obsolete.

(The next few posts may come out in quick succession as ones I have been scribbling and doodling down for mere release, which will inevitably explain more about how this post has come along, but for some unbeknownst reason have not made it to the light of day.)

How strange it is that these dreams, when you allow other thoughts and options into your mind, seem to flourish and all of a sudden you’re not dreaming in monotone but everything is in high contrast and clear but yet all so puzzling so that you wake up feeling as though a tiny little switch has been released and yet only fleeting images are all you’re left with to try and explain why. Things feel different this time although I can’t quite place my finger on why, when or how, I think it’s this house, I’m not scared of it like I have been about so many before, it’s like my little night light, I never feel lonely here. When Em and I first moved here we dubbed this ‘the healing house’, and sometimes I think a whirlwind can appear from no where if only someone can start the breeze, kind of positive things from positive intentions. All I know is with a little bit of patience I think I’m starting to feel my darkness shift and these vivid dreams, although sometimes unnerving, are starting to work through all my clutter and fog that has been weighing me down.

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

-          Albus Dumbledore

I believe I fully understand now what JK meant when she wrote this line, or more that I’m starting to believe that I believe it.