Flesh

I bear no love for the flesh upon my body 

The flesh so gratefully placed and loved 

My mind unyielding to my heart 

So misplacing of priority and easing of judgement is this prison 

And I have loved, seen love, thought of love

Failed to find hope of love 

I see with eyes renewed at the dawning of the day

But eyes falter and elude

Any love my heart regained my mind has been sure to steal 

This is not the life my heart had in line for me

Not the love I had in mind

But in two separate halves lay my mind to my heart

Cruelty in this madness

But this madness belongs to me

I look in the mirror and I bear no resemblance 

For I am strong 

But to my mind I am malleable

And I have fear cos who I am and what I fear are two and torn are my thoughts

Some days positivity eludes me, my madness shadows and wraps in smothering embrace

My fear envelops and encases and builds the wall around the diamonds of emotion that threaten my stony eyes

I stand bursting with emotion and blanketed with stifling nothingness 

I bear no love for this flesh upon my body

Only hope for my quieted voice

And your point is...?

I guess now is as good as time as any to point out the purpose of this seemingly random blog.

I am an analyst of infinite proportions. I can analyse myself in and out of any situation. I can negate emotion from any thought process, which is a flaw, because life is not emotionally void. Life is emotionally charged, driven and run. So while logic and analysis dictates what I think I’m going to do, the thought to practice exchange never really, well, works. I'm pretty sure when I was younger I had this sorted because I analysed but never over analysed emotions before the event, hindsight and I were close friends, thus I wasn't so shut off to people and didn't try and predict what people thought of me, I didn't care. Shit happens though, it happens to everyone, it would be naïve to believe I was the only one, you know life happens to everyone. 

So much like everyone else I have a lot going on in my head and that 'stuff' has been ruling me lately, getting out of hand, you may say the little filing bunnies in my mind have thrown open the filing cupboards and have gone crazy, dancing around in the admin of my life. Nothing is exactly making sense, which is why I'm writing it all down, putting it in the ether. because I'm a positive person somewhere in my dark and twisty mind and so these little 'epiphanies' I have on here are little breakthroughs for me. I'm also a baby yogi (as you may have guessed) trying to find my feet (and head... and hands), struggling through an eating disorder, depression, my love life is a mess and I'm trying to organise and save for one of those 'life affirming' trips. I may as well be honest with you. I'm chasing that white rabbit down the hole, so to speak, into Wonderland, because really everyone should be living in their own wonderland, riding their imagination into things you never thought possible, being the lead role, the hero(in) in your crazy fairy tale. So whether you're dipping into this or following this madness (god bless you), bear with me, it's going to take some time.

Maybe tomorrow?

There's a little voice in my head saying don't fuck it up this time, it sits next to the voice saying we'll start again tomorrow. We're always telling ourselves tomorrow, we're always starting out diet, our exercise regime, our quit it and quick fix scheme later, but never today. But what if today is all you've got, what if you haven't got tomorrow? I mean you're already not the person you were yesterday. 

I work in a hospital, in trauma and I work in theatre and I know that a lot of people don't even make it to us, we can't help and that's changed things for me and I'm going to tell you why. 

For me it was Grey's Anatomy, you watch these programmes and you watch them to be entertained and it's true a lot of the time what happens on there doesn't happen in reality, partly because if it did it would mean the NHS has infinite money and secondly because we're not all sleeping with each other (where is Mcsteamy and Mcdreamy? All I have is Mcdreary, most of the time). My point is most trauma patients aren't acrobats or stunt drivers or in some disastrous accident, they're taking out the bins, falling over kerbs or going to work, one minute they're just living their lives and next thing they're on our table.

It really makes you realise life is just too short, everything changes so quickly and so much is out of our control, and believe me, I don't like that. So no more tomorrow's, because if it's worth starting then it's worth starting today, I'm sick of spending my life living in tomorrow, fad diet? No thanks it's time for a change and screw it I'm going travelling, 2016 is going to be my year! I'll save like hell and disappear for a year or two because if I'm more likely to end up on the table than an adrenaline junkie is, why aren't I jumping out of more planes?